Create A Secure Attachment Style

Many of the struggles you have within your relationships may come from your attachment style. Here is why and also how you can start your journey to create safe relationships through a secure attachment style!


Ella Lundqvist

1/1/20253 min read

According to John Bowlby's studies of attachment styles, children develop different behaviour styles in order to recieve the most care and love they can recieve. Depending on the caregiver's responses, the child will adjust and change in order to recieve care. The four attachment styles are: Secure, Anxious, Avoidant and Disorganized.

Secure Attachment Style:
This style signifies a person that is warm and caring, trusting and forgiving, healthy boundaries, can manage their emotions well, is responsive, honest and open, asks for help and has a healthy communication style. Positive model of others, positive model of self.

Anxious Attachment Style:
This style signisfies a person that is struggling with insecurities when it comes to relationships, a fear of abandonment, is lacking boundaries, has a fluctuating mood, self-doubting, is highly sensitive and overly accomodating, clinginess, need constant reassurance. Positive model of others, negative model of self.

Avoidant Attachment Style:
This style signifies a person that fears closeness, is distant and withdrawn, avoids conflicts, is extremely independent, is emotionally distant and unresponsive to partner and very logical, difficulty expressing emotions, unwilling to ask for help. Negative model of others, positive model of self.

Disorganized Attachment Style:
This style signifes a person that is unable to self-regulate, finds intimacy and trust difficult, has a tendency to dissociate, is longing for closeness but fears it at the same time, is self-sabotaging and isolated, low self-worth. Negative model of others, negative model of self.

To know more about your attachment style, you can search for free tests online.

The anxious, avoidant and disorganized attachment patterns can cause significant challenges in forming and maintaining healthy relationships. These attachment patterns typically develops in childhood when caregivers are inconsistent or unpredictable in responding to a child's needs. As adults, individuals these attachment patterns may struggle with intimacy, avoid close relationships or engage in relationships with a push-pull dynamic or clinginess.

If you recognize these patterns in yourself, it is essential to seek support to develop healthy coping mechanisms.
Seeking therapy can help you understand and process your past experiences, build emotional resilience, and develop healthier attachment patterns.
With time and effort, it is possible to form and maintain healthy relationships and break free from the cycle of the attachment patterns!

How can you start your journey to create a secure attachment style today?

You start by showing up for yourself in new ways.
The first thing is to get to know your attachment style, for that you can search online for tests.
Second is to get to know your attachment style, for that there are multiple books, articles and researches to dive into.
Third is to become aware of your thoughts, behaviour and actions you take when it comes to all kinds of relating.
Think of your attachment style as your new best friend that you would like to know all about!
Once you are aware of your patterns and you have had enough of them, then it is time to do differently!

  • What boundaries do you set towards yourself and others in your relating?

  • What kinds of behaviour do you accept and how many chances do you give a person to change?

  • How do you treat yourself and how do you let other people treat you?

Attachment styles show up differently in all relationships. Take a closer look att your relationship with your parents/caregivers, siblings, partners, friends and your workplace.

  • Are some of these relationships more or less healthy?

  • If so, what's the difference and why do you think it looks like this?

A tip is to choose one relationship where both of you decide to work on a secure attachment. I was fortunate to invite a new best friend into my life where we could work in these patterns from both sides in a safe and conscious way.
If you don't have a person to create a secure attachment with, that's it OK. You can always create this relationship with a therapist and it is as real as any friend or partner. The secret is to create new experiences for the body to settle into. Once your body and soul know knew ways of realting that are safe, you will start making other choices based on new beliefs.

Below are some of my reminders that I still need at times to stay centered and have the courage to show up for myself and choose healthy relationships:

  • Don't you ever settle for less!

  • Be clear with what you want, what kind of relating you need and what boundaries you have (people change when you change).

  • Dare to say good bye (some people don't change).

  • Look for tools for you to be able to sit with uncomfortable emotions. (It's when we don't have a personal first aid kit to use that we use old coping mechanisms, i.e. stays in patterns that don't serve us any longer).

  • Tap into your power, strength and courage often. You are worthy babe!

  • Tap into trust and faith. Your people will come along. It's a process.

  • Use tools to center yourself, you will need it.